It's funny how when you wake up in the middle of the night, and a light is turned on... You can only open up one eye and squint until you adjust to the brightness. And how in the night, when it's dark and you're exposed to a light, when the light goes out. You have to stand still until you adjust to the dark because you're afraid of falling or walking into something.


It's 4:30 a.m.




Usually in my life I'm trying to find things to keep my mind off what I see in my dreams.
Or what I've discovered about reality that seems to be, I'm the only one that knows.
I usually paint, vandalize, play video games, write music, produce music, turn on some turntables, paint a train. Etc.
For the past week, I've been trying solely to get you out of my head.
It's dawned on me how much I miss you.

It all started At the first of last month. I was really fed up with my job and how the corporation didn't give a fuck that my paycheques were coming up short for all the NIGHT SHIFT hours I had to endure + Their stupid ass policies and everything else that's good about a corporate position! So I quit.... And started a month long journey of doing nothing to realize how much you really did mean to me. At first, you weren't in my mind at all... To be honest. You've poped into my head a couple times since I've last seen you, and it was for brief amounts of time in which I'd send you a simple email saying whatever for the occassion you reminded me of.

By the way, happy bilated birthday...
I made you a card, and found your address in the email you sent when I was in courtney at mt wash and sent you that random ass kimono that I spent my food budget on. But I never sent it...

I never thought I'd ever write a letter in which I never intended to mail.
Such a poetic cliche.

I've been with... I don't know how many girls in the past year trying to explore relationships and have let go of being sexually conservative. lol..
Even though I've never kissed you. It was for a good reason...
It was with the one person that you feel like you're in one of those surreal movies with.
Waiting for the perfect moment to kiss each other.
Reminds me of that one part in Donnie Darko where they're about to kiss each other for the first time, and the girl says she wanted everything to be perfect in the world. But there's a fat guy in a jogging suit watching them.

Anyways, back to the story.
The girls I've been with lately have been a little mental. I guess what you'd consider me to be, a bit obsessive and acting psycho?
I was scrolling through my inbox in my emails, looking at the copious amount of emails I'd been receiving from this girl that claims she loves me, and we were having a huge conversation over email cause I didn't want to talk to her on msn.

Anyways, I catagorized my emails by Name and saw about 100 emails from you... This sounds kind of GAY, but the most wonderful feeling of nostalgia swept across the inside of me. Followed by the worst feeling of knowing I will not be able to have it again.

Here's a quote from you.

"No matter what, please don't feel like I've abandoned you."
Unfortunatley you have. It may be for a good reason, or because of your dismay. Not sure... But I want to change that.
Everything is fixable if you work hard enough for it long enough.

I miss alot of things.
Orgasm fruit dip and that lame 'art' show.
Morcho.
Hand holding.
Millions of emails when we weren't together holding hands.
The best friend I had.
The fact I actually felt happy in Victoria because of you.
007 cheese ads.
The hills have eyes silouette hand puppets making love.
Moooseum plans.
You spending time to write me an email from a computer in australia at the public interweb station.
Serious coffee.
New years drinking by yourself.
Spending hours waiting for you to get off rowing at a coffee shop talking to a gay kid that worked there about how much I loved you.
Stareing at each other in the path behind your house, inches away from each other's faces. Breathing on each other thinking about how much we cared.
Segregating the racial cheerios.




Wow, do I seem obsessive because I remember these things?

Now all I can think about is how you feel in your current situation.

I want you to know, even if you don't know because you're not reading this...
That you've changed me.
If it wasn't for you, I would have still been hacking into peoples computers munipulating them socially to my advantage to feel some wierd sense of insecure power driven advantage over them.
I havn't ONCE haxed your shit since I've last seen you.
I've had to do it with some other people, but I've stopped with it all.
I live in Vancouver and spend less time worrying about things that are going to happen, and allocate more emotion/apathy in current happenings. Something I was hardly ever able to do before...
My hair is pretty straight?
You know what?
This sounds similar to the way I felt about breanne.
I realized.
You mean more to me, then she ever could... And you know how much that meant to me right?
I don't even want to be with you.
I just want to know you care...
Which you probably don't.
And I'm not going to 'munipulate' you into making you care for me, this time...
I really miss the way we felt though.


There's so much to my life you didn't know.
I really wish I never showed you my shadows, and let you see all the light.
You would have never had to squint in adjustment to the uncomfortable feeling that you might stumble over something and hurt yourself.



It's 5:38 a.m. And I'm going back to bed, I need to find a job...


It's funny how loud silence can be.